Monday, March 07, 2022


I woke up around 4:00 a.m., having dreamed of 1) Brian oversleeping, making him late for his second day at his new job and creating great consternation in our home; 2) seeing just how bad the condition of the back end of our recently purchased home was (not my actual house, or my parents'), to the point that it was not secure from the weather or would-be intruders; and 3) taking Poppy outside for a potty break, during which she got away from me and I thought she would be 'gone girl' (although her recall eventually worked and I had my hands on her when I finally exited dreamland). As I lay here in the dark, I heard/felt my silenced phone vibrate. Odd; who would be texting me at this hour? Most likely Brian, working his second night at his new job as a nighttime stocker in a big grocery store. I had texted him before I went to sleep; he was probably responding during a break.

It was Brian, but there were two other messages sent nearly a half-hour earlier. Maybe they are what woke me up, though I was not conscious of the vibrations. Rick sent me a video snippet of Bette and Boop at 1:46 a.m. PST (NOT when he's usually conscious), plus a worrisome text. "Doing ok. Blaise however is struggling and not eating. Gave her Nutridrench and dextrose in her abdomen and b complex and Banamine tonight. Got her to drink a fair amount but she is grinding her teeth. Worried me!"

There was no going back to sleep after that. I laid there and prayed for my sheep, my son, my husband, my parents. I wondered if my struggle, my lesson to be learned, was about letting go of "control" (not a new lesson). It is tempting to think that if I'd been at home, I would have been on top of imminent lambing; Bette would have been moved to a prepared lambing jug/stall ahead of time  and monitored carefully, and Blaise wouldn't have gotten bashed/toppled and now be on the verge of death.

But I've been needed here, and helping my parents had to take priority over being my animals' steward. "Honor thy father and thy mother...." But I will be on a plane by this time tomorrow, leaving my parents to fend for themselves after four weeks of being their emotional, mental, and physical support. I am not at all confident that my mom will be able to function as sole caregiver, nor am I confident that she/they will 'call in the cavalry' of self-paid in-home care before an accident occurs. More control issues? Perhaps, but after nearly three weeks of assisting Dad (except for the few times lately I've hovered while Mom practices assisting), I know just how much focus and physical strength it takes to help Dad stand and walk, and I've seen my mom's limitations. I wish there wasn't going to be a four-plus-day gap between my departure and my sister's arrival. I wish we didn't live so far apart. I wish I could be in two places at once. I wish – I wish that there were no good-byes, even as I look forward to a promised land full of joyous reunions.


Mama Pea said...

Of course you feel "torn" during these current circumstances. But you can't be in two places at once, even though your heart wants to be. Your mom may surprise you at how strong she can be when you are not there for her to depend on. Try to assure her that for the time she and your dad are alone, she must use those outside resources available or it will be detrimental to both of them. I don't know if it's so important for you to "let go" of control concerning all the aspects in your life. Sometimes we women are the only glue that holds it all together. Hugs.

Michelle said...

I've tried to assure and convince, Mama Pea; I've tried.

Tim B. Inman said...

We are cogs on a giant wheel. Do what you can when you can. Self care is vital. Replace worry with concern. Action when possible, planning, preparation and alternatives when it is not. Humility and service should be rewarded with peace and comfort, not punished with guilt and anxiety. Breathe in the moment. Cheers

Michelle said...

Tim! Did you see my message to you in the blogpost before this, and Mama Pea's comment echoing the same? As for your wise, experienced counsel; easier said than done, I'm afraid.

Florida Farm Girl said...

Dear girl, there are no easy answers to your questions as you are finding. Your parents needed you and you responded. As in all things, you are doing your best and that is the only thing you can do. I keep hoping that Brian will find his niche in the world and start making progress. Know that you're always in my thoughts.

Debbie said...

You are but 'one' my friend. I know that you're trying to take care of everyone.

There are circles of support around you, both near and far. And likewise for your parents, support comes in many forms and taking advantage of same is NOT giving in, it's practical.

Is there any way to have the home care arrive daily for at least those four days?

Safe travels tomorrow.

sending hugs.

A :-) said...

As others have already said - you are one human. One. And amazing and wonderful human, but you are only one. I am holding you in the light of strength and comfort during these challenging days, and I hope you are winging your way home for at least a little while as you navigate this path. Hang in. Love you.

Retired Knitter said...

Well for some reason this post did not show up in my in box - like all the others have done previously. I suspect that I will have to permanently switch over to the Reader section of blogger to catch your posts.

How torn you feel. By the time you catch this comment you will be home again - and in full control of your home issues -BUT worrying about your parents. You are doing the very best you can - just know that! Your animals will be SOOOOO GLAD to see you. Especially Stella!!! In fact she probably will be dancing uncontrolably all over the place when she sees you. Don’t expect much focus. JOY cannot be contained all that the easily. :-)

Jeanne said...

I'm assuming you got home safely. You're probably very busy! Rest assured that we are praying for all of you, and for your sheep too.

God be with you,

Mokihana said...

Bless you, Michelle. You truly have done an amazing job with your folks...besides the physical help, you have shown them so much love and care. I know you couldn't have done it all without God's help. All of us here have been figuratively holding up your arms when you just couldn't.

I pray that Blaise is okay and that things are smoother at home. I continue to pray for all of you.